The Wolf's Howl

i lost my phone yesterday, but heard ringing and felt my pocket virbrating today. It was like phantom limb cell syndrome

We were a head on collision,
rather we talked, yelled
made love, cuddled
laughed or cried

I am immovable object
he is an unstoppable force
we were headed in two different directions
and our paths crossed
but neither of us could change our route, nor our stubborn goals and fasinations

I think these great qualities in us can bring out the worst in us
our strife, our disagreemnts
his logic and my strong heart
he might just keep going and keep moving until he’s too far
too far to ever go back
too far to realize all he missed

and my roots are growing rapidly
coiling around each other
and cutting off the circulation to my wings

This is a list for all of us fan girls with a snowball’s chance in hell of dating Askars. This list should provide comfort to our broken lovesick hearts and laughter.

Disclaimer: if by any chance you think Alex doesn’t do these things because he says so I’d like to stress a very important point: men lie.

1) He Drinks.

Why You Think This Is Good: When the Drunkaskarsrex appears we love the photos and videos! He is so funny. He dances. He kisses — a lot — and even licks people. He’s adorable to say the least. Who wouldn’t want to party with that!

Why This Is Bad: When men get drunk they pee everywhere. How will you feel when Drunkskars uses the closet instead of the bathroom? Or when you enter the washroom for your own personal needs and he hit every place but the bowl?

2) He Watches Soccer

Why You Think This Is Good: He’s the best fan boy ever! Look at the pics! Watch the videos! We Love to hear him chant — even when we don’t understand a word of it. We love to watch him pose with other players. We even like his extremely huge flag on his front gate.

Why This Is Bad: He will want you to watch the game with him. He will probably even poke, nudge, shake, and otherwise irritate you while pointing out the plays of the game. He will expect you to be just as excited about the game as he is.

Furthermore, He’s a big guy! What will you do when he throws himself to the ground after his team loses and says he has no reason to live? It will be hard to half drag, half lift him to a more appropriate place. And if you two are at home, the neighbors might call the police about possible DV charges if they hear him wail and scream at the TV - embarrassing!

3) He Likes To Be Naked

Why You Think This Is Good: LOOK AT HIM

Why This Is Bad: You are dating Alex. You show up to his place, only to trip on the shoes he left in the doorway. He looks like a hardwood floors kinda man, so you get a concussion. You stumble around to find his shirt thrown over the back of the couch. His jeans are on the floor outside the bedroom and his underwear and socks are somewhere between the bedroom and bathroom. Finally, you see Mister Naked totally oblivious to his mess and your concussion.

This leads to another fabulous point: men are messy.

4) His Mother And Sister Live In Another Country

Why You Think This Is Good: No annoying in-laws. Mothers and sisters (and other close female relatives) are notorious for thinking no one is good enough for their boy and that he can do no wrong. Distance between you and his personal, unwavering cheerleading bodyguards is a good thing.

Why This Is Bad: Female relatives are some of the only people with the right to smack a guy when he’s being stupid. They can’t reach across an ocean to smack him, so when he is single he has no female guidance in his life. Kristen has a husband of her own to wrangle. Therefore all the domestication he learned from both those two women and his various girlfriends quickly erodes and you have to re-train him from scratch.

(This is no insult to his family. He has many brothers and only one sister and one mother. That’s only 4 hands max to slap at least 5 males when they misbehave. I have empathy for them!)

5) He Speaks Swedish

Why You Think This Is Good: He sounds so sexy when he does it. Didn’t you melt when he said “my lover” ? Don’t you jump want to pounce on him like a wild, sex starved beast once he starts talking in his native tongue? AND he probably does it during sex….

Why This Is Bad: In the middle of an argument, he could start cussing you out and you wouldn’t understand a word. He could mutter things in Swedish when mad and you won’t be able to understand even if you hear him. He can talk about you on the phone to his friends right in front of you, without you knowing if he is bitching about or praising you.

And when you are with his Swedish friends and family, you will be the weird one who can’t talk with everyone else and makes the group translate or change their speech for you.

6) He’s Tall

Why You Think This Is Good: Tall = sexy

Why This Is Bad: He probably walks very fast, with his large legs. You will power-walk and jog to keep up with his casual steps. Your neck will strain to look up at him. You might need a step ladder to kiss his cheek. If you or your family live in an old home, he might bang his head on the low doorways, archways, and ceiling fans and if you have a small car, he won’t fit in it.

7) You Already Know So Much About Him…

Why You Think This Is Good: You can surprise him with his favorite breakfast because you already know what his favorite breakfast is! You’ve also got this great Xmas gift picked out for him; you are going to make a travel sized knot blanket in white and green and put his team’s logo on it, so he can take it everywhere he goes.

You’ve also seen how the man kisses and are ready to have your hair style wrecked when he begins to tug on it.

Needless to say, you have done research and are ready to use it to your advantage.

Why This Is Bad: He might find it a bit creepy……and even if he doesn’t, your family has also heard all your ‘research’ about him and are sick of him before you’ve even introduced them. They can also tell him so many embarrassing things about your fascination with him. You see yourself as researching your future mate as to create a happy relationship, he sees you as a crazy stalker who now has him in your clutches!

8) He’s A Foreigner

Why You Think This Is Good: He speaks Swedish. We’ve all read the articles on how great it is to have a Swedish husband (every girl should own one!). He fulfills all of those ‘aren’t euro boys cuter!?!’ stereotypes.

Why This Is Bad: He may not find all your anti-euro jokes to be as funny as you do. You certainly won’t like to hear him bitch left and right about the US.

After a peer reviewed article that praises Sweden and bashes the US is released (probably about sexuality), he’ll walk around the house like his farts don’t stink for a month and do this weird Swedish thing where he insults and compliments you at the same time and walks away to leave you with your confusion.

He also eats some food you might not find too appetizing

After dating him for a while you will learn that euro or not, a boy is a boy. AND they suck.

Mr. Swedish also won’t do well as the first man of the USA after you are elected president.

9) Everyone Loves Him

Why You Think This Is Good: You love him. People who party with him, love him. Everyone who meets him praises him and talks about how wonderful he is….Even without meeting him, you gotta believe he’s pretty cool when he’s in a good mood.

Why This Is Bad: bitches will want you dead and possibly kill you. skarsluts/skarfans/skarpsychos will tear you to pieces, judge you without knowing a whit about you or your life, and pray for your painful and untimely demise because you have the audacity to be with him.

10) He Has A Penis

Why You Think This Is Good:…..Do I really have to go into detail?

Why This Is Bad: Apart from all the side effects that can come with having a penis (jock itch, lying, inability to do the splits, lack of hygiene, etc), his penis in particular comes with some issues. First off, we spend an inordinate and unhealthy amount of time thinking about it. And when we do its HUGE, perfect, beautiful, curves just right!, and is the greatest phallus we could dream of.

But what happens when you meet this man and get close enough to disrobe him? Frankly, you have probably already pictured a size only a small amount of the population has. Some men have GPs, but most are… adequate.It might not look perfect. It might not be aesthetically pleasing. It might just be ‘some dick’. (and lets be honest, they aren’t the prettiest body part out there)

He also can’t give you all the sex you want. He has a job and will want to sleep occasionally.

So in closing — for all the big and little reasons listed and the ones you came up with all on your own while reading this - DON’T DATE ASKARS. It just isn’t a good thing to do.